you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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