happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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