my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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