Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am spending my child support on dildos
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
