"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
