If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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