oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
