I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We just shotgunned beers for America
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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