I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
