I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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