I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
