i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
