Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
