I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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