Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
