from now on my penis is your penis
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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