So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
