just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
