You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
