Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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