I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
