Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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