Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
