I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
