I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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