WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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