Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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