Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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