I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
