you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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