I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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