so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
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Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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