New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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