Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
