Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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