I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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