in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
