Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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