I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
