whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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