by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
