I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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