man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
