HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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