woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
