omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
