i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
