So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
