I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
