Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
