My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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