He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
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If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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