I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
