i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
